The truth is, it was because of art. I’ve put so much of myself into art, deviantart and artistic friends.
My style is generic and overall flawed. There are so many younger artists far better than me, and that hurts so badly because I’m so jealous. It feels like I will never improve to the standard I want. All my artist friends are better than me. I look at amazing artists and want to talk to them and be their friends but since I’m mediocre at best, I can’t. I haven’t improved in the last two years. I draw from life, I do classes, nothing is working. My friends in real life put down my art and call it stupid and childish. I am thinking that too.
I don’t care about anything except art. Nothing else interests me.
I wanted to have people look up to me. I wanted to be ‘deviantart famous’. I wanted to have amazing artist friends and draw amazing, inspiring things, and make people happy with my art. I had no other aspirations. I even wanted haters. I wanted to have confessions about me on this blog.
I came to the realization that I will never become that person that I dreamed of being. I am just not meant to be that person.
I wanted to have a confession about me on this blog, so I guess this is better than nothing.
Thank you, artists, for being inspiring, and amazing people.
Please keep drawing and making the world more beautiful.
But I am too jealous and I do not deserve to be a person or an artist anymore.
I think you need to open up to someone you can have a dialogue with, not just vent this one time on the internet. I think you need to be open and honest with a therapist, a school counselor, anyone you can find to talk to about this because it is concerning that you are that upset about this that you would try to kill yourself over it. Please get help, you do deserve it.
And your “friends” sound like asshats. No wonder you are so down on yourself, the people you consider close to you are too busy putting you down to realize how much it hurts you.