I know I can’t tell anyone else how to feel about their illness or disability, even if it’s one we have in common, but sometimes it’s hard not to take certain things personally.

If someone else and I have a common problem and their response to their own problem falls into the category of “Everything happens for a reason.” or “God made me this way and God doesn’t make mistakes.” I actually get personally offended. I know I can’t say anything because they’re speaking about their own experiences, but it feels like they’re implying this applies to everyone with said illness/disability/other thing.

All I can hear when someone says that is, “God wants us to suffer.”

Maybe it’s because I’m agnostic, but I don’t think that’s even it. I have been known to blame the universe on occasion when shit goes wrong, I’m not full without a belief that there’s probably something “more than us”. I just refuse to believe that whatever that something is would purposefully set up things that would either kill us or set us or someone else up to kill us for whatever reason. Your deity is fucking sadistic if they just want us to be in pain.

Because my disability is not a fucking trial to be overcome. My disability is not here to teach me or anyone else around me. I am not a fucking after school special or children’s cartoon where we all learn some kind of lesson about ourselves and become better people.

My disability is a roadblock. My disability is something that I struggle with that holds me back. If you don’t see yours that way then good, I’m glad you’re more comfortable than me. But if you ever try to tell me that your God does not make mistakes or give us more than we can handle I will chew you the fuck out for it, but only if you say it to me personally because fuck knows I don’t have the energy to actually start arguments bigger than I can handle right now. (And yet I’m making this post, fancy that.)

And as much as it would be nice if society would accommodate the learning disabled a lot more than they do and if they would pick up on diagnosis sooner so that we could actually be treated, I would also appreciate it if some people (some ADHDers even!) would stop acting like being in treatment is something anyone would only do for the sake of society and that none of us do it for ourselves. If you want to call it internalized ableism I will not stop you, but maybe it’s because self discipline is actually highly important in the field I want to enter and it’s not a skill I ever learned.

I don’t medicate so that society will like me better; I medicate so I will like me better. I need to accomplish shit and I will not feel good about myself until I have a place in this world. I know I am capable of doing more than I do now and I will not be happy until I actually prove it.

I have this weird feeling that Tumblr is making me more asocial. I rarely going into anyone’s ask box because I have this irrational fear I am bothering them if I do or, more likely, I have nothing interesting to say. At some point I started reblogging things without adding anything to them, something I would have never done in the past. I’m not even adding “interesting” tags to most things anymore. It’s so easy to get away with talking to almost no one most of the time.

Even my rare times doing anything on Deviant Art these days consist of me favourting something or posting something, things that don’t require saying anything to anyone. I popped in the forums today and said a few things, it didn’t last very long though.

I have like three people that are not family or mental health professionals that I have any kind of regular conversations with, and I sitting here on a supposedly social network being increasingly asocial.

“What’s the point? You’ll just bore or annoying people.”