things dependent people do that they literally cannot help:
- ask you to come online and comfort them often
- will agree with you even if they dont actually agree (a lot of lying)
- will do anything to keep you as a friend even if it starts to become so desperate and creepy
- will be very very very hurt if you completely leave them mentally
so dont you dare call someone manipulative for symptoms they cant help.
okay so this post is making me mega uncomfortable
the first and second points like. ok. the first is fair enough if they’re just requesting that you give them some support and you agree to it. the second can develop into something pretty unhealthy but it’s also fairly innocuous.
but do not start me on the third and fourth.
a person can have dependency problems and still be manipulative, and they can have them and NOT be manipulative. manipulation is manipulation regardless of motive.
if someone will ‘do anything to keep you as a friend/keep you around them’, and those anythings include isolating you, sabotaging your other friendships or things you do that don’t involve them, deliberately damaging your self-worth, any other kind of abusive behaviour that they use to make you unable to leave them, that is still manipulative. that is still abusive. you are still 100% within your rights to get the hell out of there.
if someone wants you to care about them and doesn’t care whether that makes you unable to care for yourself, that is still wrong.
it is not your responsibility to stay with a person who is manipulating you or abusing you just so you don’t hurt them. this post feels so much like it’s trying to tell people to just tolerate it, no matter how bad it gets, even if the other person knows what they’re doing but won’t stop. that’s really not okay.
Okay, as someone who has boarded on some of this shit, the op still bothers the fuck out of me. Actually, maybe it bothers the fuck out of me because I’ve been on the edge of some of this behavior.
I think most people will agree there is absolutely nothing wrong with the first point. This is a basic part of friendships, especially a close one. If a friend is having a terrible time and needs to talk to me, I want to be there. I would appreciate the same from my friends, even if I have a massively hard time asking for it.
The second point is… unhealthy feels like an understatement. I’d like to think op realized that though, so I won’t go into that much. It’s the kind of thing I’d advise a person work on for the sake of both their own emotional well being and for the sake of the people around them, because that can hurt you and the people you do it too if they ever realized you were doing it. Healthy relationships are built on honest communication.
If you have reached “desperate and creepy” you are hurting yourself and the person you’re trying to “keep”. If you reach “desperate and creepy” and you become aware of this and you are unwilling to work on this then you can no longer claim that you “can’t help it”. If you are unwilling to give someone space, regardless of the reason they want it, you can no longer claim you “can’t help it”. You cannot ask people to comfort you if you are not willing to respect them.
Most people are hurt if relationships of any kind fall apart. Yes, some of us are more hurt by this than others, but it’s really fucking selfish to expect someone to stay because their leaving with hurt you. You cannot say it’s not manipulative to make everything about your feelings. “I’ll be hurt if you leave.” does not trump the feelings of the person cutting you out of their life. In any kind of relationship everyone involved is meant to be equal. Your feelings do not
In the end it boils down to the fact that if you are putting your feelings above the other person/people in situations that affect both/all of you — if you are not respecting them as their own people who also have feelings — then you are being abusive and manipulative. Fuck off with “can’t help” being creepy and desperate.
I get being clingy on an unhealthy level. I have problems with this too. But if you are made aware of it and you still treat the other person like a fucking doll who is only there to comfort you then you do not get to claim you “can’t help it” and you certainly cannot claim it’s not manipulative. Don’t expect people to cater to your needs if you can’t respect theirs.